Updated: Jan 31, 2021
The urge feels irresistible
My fingers run through the entirety of my face
Picking at any little thing possible
It's never ending
I feel a release
Every time that I am able to remove any dead skin
The satisfaction of taking out anything trapped within my skin
Whether there is anything to pick at or not
I find myself picking until I bleed
I see the blood in my fingers
I feel the rush of it dripping down my face
I try to stop the now open wounds from bleeding
Throwing away napkins full of spots of blood
I tell myself no mas
I wash my hands and my face
But then I find myself repeating this cycle over and over again
I looked down at my bloody hands
Saw the reflection of my bloody face in the mirror
I have taken it too far
Why am I hurting myself in these ways?
I can't keep doing this
What I thought was just a bad habit, was really a self harm practice.
After attending the Mental Wellness Gathering on Suicide Prevention and Harm Reduction, I finally understood picking as self harm.
My struggle with picking my face had gotten really out of hand. Quickly it became something I felt I could no longer control as the obsessive tendency to pick compulsively would take over. It felt like an addiction.
It was then that I realized I needed to seek help.
After talking to my primary doctor, therapist and psychiatrist, I was prescribed medication for anxiety and OCD - given the severity of my case.
A part of me felt really resistant because I didn't want to be on more medication... but at the same time I felt a sense of hope after having felt defeated for too long. I felt relieved. Relieved that I wasn't alone in this fight.
I have been meeting with my support team consistently - on a weekly basis. I am taking my daily dosage of Lamictal while also finding healthy coping mechanisms to address this self harm practice ie: fidgets, rollers, snacking on sunflower seeds, having a more extensive skin care routine, wearing gloves etc. Anything to help me address this painful tendency.
My body deserves to be cared for. My skin is so resilient. I want to allow my skin to heal as it always does... I don’t want to keep hurting myself.