COMPULSIVE PICKING

The urge feels irresistible

My fingers run through the entirety of my face

Picking at any little thing possible

It's never ending

I feel a release

Every time that I am able to remove any dead skin

The satisfaction of taking out anything trapped within my skin

Whether there is anything to pick at or not

I find myself picking until I bleed

I see the blood in my fingers

I feel the rush of it dripping down my face

I try to stop the now open wounds from bleeding

Throwing away napkins full of spots of blood

I tell myself no mas

I wash my hands and my face

Ya no

But then I find myself repeating this cycle over and over again

I looked down at my bloody hands

Saw the reflection of my bloody face in the mirror

I have taken it too far

Why am I hurting myself in these ways?

I can't keep doing this

What I thought was just a bad habit, was really a self harm practice.

After attending the Mental Wellness Gathering on Suicide Prevention and Harm Reduction, I finally understood picking as self harm.

My struggle with picking my face had gotten really out of hand. Quickly it became something I felt I could no longer control as the obsessive tendency to pick compulsively would take over. It felt like an addiction.

It was then that I realized I needed to seek help.

After talking to my primary doctor, therapist and psychiatrist, I was prescribed medication for anxiety and OCD - given the severity of my case.

A part of me felt really resistant because I didn't want to be on more medication... but at the same time I felt a sense of hope after having felt defeated for too long. I felt relieved. Relieved that I wasn't alone in this fight.

I have been meeting with my support team consistently - on a weekly basis. I am taking my daily dosage of Lamictal while also finding healthy coping mechanisms to address this self harm practice ie: fidgets, rollers, snacking on sunflower seeds, having a more extensive skin care routine, wearing gloves etc. Anything to help me address this painful tendency.

My body deserves to be cared for. My skin is so resilient. I want to allow my skin to heal as it always does... I don’t want to keep hurting myself.