I AM PROTECTED

Updated: Oct 11, 2019

Friday night I couldn't get myself to sleep. I stayed up so late and eventually was able to rest for a few hours. I woke up abruptly Saturday morning and realized I had overslept. I got up, changed and rushed out to the first Mental Wellness Gathering that was going to be hosted by the Indigenous Circle of Wellness. I felt so bad because I was supposed to be there an hour before I actually arrived to help set up. Late, pero I showed up anyway porque I knew I had to be there. When I arrived, the first thing I wanted to do is apologize, explain my tardiness and absence in our beading circle earlier that week. As soon as I began sharing, I was stopped and met with so much care y softness. I was reminded that I didn't need to explain myself. That I am human. That my presence was celebrated. I felt so relieved and affirmed. I am constantly unlearning and learning.


The gathering was on "Traditional Ways of Healing". There was so much wisdom shared. Topics included:


- The Impact of Colonization and Decolonization

- Historical and Intergenerational Trauma

- Indigenous Worldview

- Foundational Framework of Wellness

- Indigenous Healing Practices

- Reconnecting to our Tribe

- Spirituality


As I sat there sharing space with the attendees while listening to the panelists and workshop presenter...


My spirit felt so alive. I was precisely where I needed to be.

I was gifted some beautiful prints and I immediately thought of the deep spiritual connections I am honored to be in relation with. Soon after, I see messages come in from the people I had in mind. One I was in disbelief about, was from Rhina- one of my spirit sisters from back home who I haven't seen or checked in with for yearssss. She shared with me that her along with another hermana of ours, Lorena, was in town! I had plans for the day, but...


The universe had its' own plans for me.

I headed home and they arrived soon after I did. We were going to get some lunch together, but instead they ordered food and we sat in my living room checking in. They have been so present in my mind and heart as I have been longing to reconnect with them. And there they were- standing in front of me in my home. It felt so surreal. After sharing space for a couple hours, I got a message from my ex partner saying that they would be coming to pack their belongings. I had been experiencing a lot anxiety over the past few weeks which would manifest in the form of shortness of breath and occasional panic attacks given the unhealthy dynamics/circumstances. Immediately I thought we gotta go, but I looked around me and realized that...


I was protected.

Mis hermanas invited me to join them to the Weapons of Mass Creation EP 'Labor of Love' Release Party and stay the night with them. I knew I had to go! I took some hits and started getting ready while listening to music. I hadn't smoked in over a month and a half because I had started taking antidepressants and wasn't sure if there would be an interaction between the two. Pero, I longed for this medicine that had supported me so much in the past.


I put together an outfit and began doing my makeup. It felt so good to adorn my body. I don't remember the last time I had done that. It was then that my ex partner arrived. My body got tense and it got harder to breathe, but mi hermana came in to smudge me with sage. As I looked at myself in the mirror, the smoke cleared and I felt grounded. Tezcatlipoca, smoky mirror- in practice. I could see so clearly. I wanted to cry in that moment... Is this real?


I felt okay. I felt whole. I felt inner peace. I felt surrounded by love. I felt liberated. Sisterhood is sacred.

I finished doing my makeup as I danced to the songs que me estaban dedicando. When deciding what accessories to wear, it was suggested that I wear my 'Femme Goddess' hoops. Little did they know the meaning that these earrings hold. I got them custom made and had yet to wear them. 'Femme Goddess' represents a rebirth and is reflective of the name of my life's work. I was hesitant to wear them as I was "waiting for the right moment", but I quickly realized the moment was now. I put them on and it felt like a whole ass ritual.


We left and made our way towards Long Beach which ironically is where my ex partner was from. It is hard because so much reminds me of them, but I am learning to reclaim these spaces. The event was absolutely beautiful. I had a beer, sang, and danced the night away. Once it was over, we smoked and made our way to la playa. Guided by the ocean waves, I did some release rituals and prayed.


Before heading home, we decided to go eat and I proposed going to El Sauz. I was hesitant because this was the place me and my ex partner had came to after our first date, but then I realized that's exactly why we need to go. I enjoyed tres quesadillas de camaron and a flan. It was the first time I had ate a full meal in a long time. I'm sure the weed had a lot to do with it hehe porque I had no problem falling asleep tampoco.


The most powerful part of everything I experienced was that...


I was surrounded by people who nourish my spirit.

I have a profound longing for deep spiritual connections. That to me is the foundation for a divine partnership. Something I did not feel with my ex partner. On the contrary, my spiritual beliefs and practices were often invalidated, ridiculed or suppressed in our relationship. It has been through consistently coming back to this truth that I have found complete acceptance.


The countless synchronicities I experienced were unreal. I am in awe and full of gratitude for these moments of complete alignment.


I surrender.
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